Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
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My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
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Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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