Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
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you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
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You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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