I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We smell like vodka and hangover
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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