I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
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he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
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There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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