i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
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how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
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Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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