im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
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Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
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Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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