Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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