Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
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You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
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There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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