So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
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He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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