I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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