who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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