I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
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Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
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If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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