i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
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I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
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I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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