lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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