I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
high people should be assigned attendants
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
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At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
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I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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