Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
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I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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