i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
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When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
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These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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