its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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