i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
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Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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