Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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