the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize