i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
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WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
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But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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