you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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