my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
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So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
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multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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