dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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