So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she looked like the before picture.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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