you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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