wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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