awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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