i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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