I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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