I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize