he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i dont even know how to be here
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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