i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
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I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
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I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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