i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
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i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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