I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
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Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
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I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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