i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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