Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
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Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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