I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize