I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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