wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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