You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't notice because vodka
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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