so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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