Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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