i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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