i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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