Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
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