Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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