im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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