So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
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Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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